Connecting the dots

"I fell, I'm bleeding and I'm feeling the pain.
But even though it hurts a lot, I know pain will fade quickly. If only it starts fading soon ..."

I was promised a job, when I return from Australia. The job, I've been at for the last 1.5 years. The job, I held during my final exams. The job, I studied less for, since I thought it's clever to invest in my working future.
Before I went away, I asked my boss if I had to resign. He said "No, you take off, unpayed holidays. Don't worry. You know that you've got a job, when you return!"

When I was in Australia, I started to feel odd about it. Somehow, and I couldn't explain where this feeling was coming from, I felt like it was not gonna work out. But I kept waiting. I kept believing, and kept not looking for something else. Naive me.
The last couple of days I met quite a lot of people. Friends, family, colleagues. Everybody was asking me, what I gonna do now. Anytime I was asked, I was reminded of my odd feeling, but had to keep hope upright. To everybody else it was so clear, that I gonna get my job back. Even my granny, she usually forgets my name - but she knows at all times, that I'm the banker.

Today, I finally met my former boss. He said to me: "Sorry Vanessa, right now, I can't tell you where and if we gonna have any work for you. But: you DO have your contract, you WILL work for us." I thought "When, in march may be? Great. That's not exactly what I was looking for. I was expecting to work NOW, cause that's what I've been promised!". Of course I didn't just give in. I fought. But whatever happens now doesn't change what I'm feeling the slightest.

I am very disappointed how this all went. The most, I am disappointed in myself. For unconditional believing in his promise. For me not to take the initiative to look for something else. For sitting home, waiting to meet him. For wasting my time. For investing precious time during my studies, just to earn a sear crop now. That's at least, how it feels right now. I know, in the long run, it all happens for a reason. But: You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.
That's what I believe in ... Now I got this, from a friend of mine, who's trying to bring me back to my own believe. .. Couldn't tell it any better than Steve Jobs. (and the text, for those who don't understand him talking)

Thanks rog.